'AITA for telling my parents to leave my home for telling my I'm wasting money by ordering food 3x a day?' UPDATED 2x
"AITA For telling my parents that my husband that if they don't like our lifestyle they can leave?"
BitterPsychology6426 writes:
I'm upset, so I will get right to the point. My husband and I both make well over six figures, but we work long hours and, as a result, when we are not working or at the gym working out, we just want to veg out.
So, when not working, we will generally make breakfast but order out lunch and dinner or go out to eat. If we are working, we eat out all three meals. Our loans are paid off, we own our condo, and we have no children. So, eating/ordering out makes us happy. We also have a cleaning lady come twice a week to clean our home and do our laundry.
Our parents came to visit and were upset that we didn't cook for them the whole week except for breakfast. (We took the week off because we both knew both sets of parents were coming.) We told them we don't cook except for breakfast, but our condo is right next door to a plaza that has a grocery store, and they are welcome to cook if they like.
However, there were quite a few restaurants that we had yet to take them to, so why not try one of them? They got on us about how much money we were spending, and my MIL got on me when the cleaning lady came and said I should be doing the cleaning because she worked, cleaned, and took care of kids, so she doesn't get why I can't.
This pissed me off, so I went off and told her, "Because I'm not superwoman, have no desire to be, and refuse to try. If she wants a participation trophy for being overworked and underpaid, she can head to the bar and have a shot of Jameson." I then told her and my parents that I did not spend four years in college and two in graduate school to play Florence from The Jeffersons (it’s an '80s show that my parents love to watch).
They went on to complain about how much money we were "wasting." My husband told them that it is not their money, it's ours, and we don't consider it a waste. We told them the last thing we want to do when we get off from work is cook and clean.
My husband told his mom that he never understood why she would work herself to the bone like that, even when he and his sisters tried to pitch in and help; she insisted on doing everything herself. I told her I will not be doing that.
So, they went on about an emergency fund. We told them that before we started living the way we do, we made sure our student loans were paid off, and we each have a year's salary saved up, plus investments, so we are good, thank you. My dad tried to be intrusive and asked how much money we both made.
We said, "None of your business!" at the same time, which made us both laugh, but they were not laughing. They didn't like our reaction and felt we were wasting money. We told them if they have a problem with our lifestyle, they could all leave. So, they ubered to a hotel. We really didn't want them to leave, just to drop the subject. So, are we idiots for telling them they could leave?
OP provided an update:
UPDATE: I've texted both sets of parents and told them I'm sorry for what I said and want them to come back as I never wanted them to leave. I know what I said about them leaving was out of line. I just wanted to drop the subject, but my way about it was wrong. I told them whether they decide to come back or not, I would like to reimburse them for the hotel rooms.
OP provided a second update:
2nd UPDATE: Yeah, we just met up at a restaurant near the hotel. They didn't want to eat, so we sat at the bar and talked. We told them that our finances are our business and, although we told them that if they didn't like it, they could leave, we were not literal when we said it. We just wanted to drop the subject.
They continued that we are wasting money. We told them it is our money to waste, and just because they consider it wasting money, we don't. We consider it one of the perks of our very fortunate life, and it is not going to change. We told them that we appreciate their concern, but we know what we are doing.
They don't have to agree with it, but it is not up for discussion or debate. We told them we would love to have them back and enjoy the rest of the week with them, but any comments or conversation about how we spend our money will not be allowed. They agreed, and we are taking them to a restaurant a little off the beaten path that we know they all will love. No, they didn't apologize, but we didn't expect them to.
Here are the top comments:
omeomi24 says:
NTA - but you are living a lifestyle they simply can't understand. You've been smart with your money - didn't have a bunch of children to pay for - have good educations, good jobs. It sounds as if you've tried to explain - without giving them info that is none of their business. You went a bit far with the 'you can leave' as they did not have much choice at that point.
When you talk to them (eventually) just tell them (nicely) that your finances and what you spend are NOT up for discussion. My son and d-in-law have a lifestyle similar to yours - and unlike your parents...I am SO happy they are able to enjoy life without worries about finances.
OP responded:
You're right, but we didn't really mean for them to leave. We just wanted them to drop the subject.
Born-Eggplant8313 says:
NTA, but if you want to avoid hurt feelings going forward (it sounds like you really do) then learn some greyrocking strategies, and make a habit of those being your go-to.
I guess, since you're trying to make peace and make amends, it would be counter productive to point out to them that choosing a hotel when given the option of that or dropping the damned subject, was completely lacking in any financial foresight and a waste of money.
StellarPhenom420 says:
NTA. What you said wasn't out of line, it was you almost properly setting a boundary with consequences. Next time be even more direct, "If you won't discontinue conversations about our finances, we will ask you to leave." You have nothing to apologize for. They are guests in your home, and if you don't want to be harangued about your finances you don't have to be.
CondessaStace says:
My own parents could never understand the concept of "quality of life." I watched them work themselves to the bone and still feel like failures because they weren't working 24/7. Trying to explain that I work to live and not live to work was like speaking Danish to English speakers.
They had no common vocabulary to go on. Seems to me that you and your husband have taken care of the essential things like good grown ups. They should be proud that they helped create such responsible adults.
What do you think?